August 9, 2010
Found out I am pregnant on Olivia’s first day going back to preschool. Haven’t told Dave yet. Figured I wait until tomorrow and let him perform the test to get the rush of excitement. Of course that will be Ava’s first day of preschool. Ironic? Hoping not to gain some exorbitant amount of weight this time around. We’ll see- those drive thru’s can be so tempting.
Well baby you make 3. We are officially outnumbered as a family of 5. We will tell your grandparents as soon as we see your little heart beating away on the monitor. I love you already.
August 10, 2010
August 10, 2010
Dave administered the prego test and announced he saw two lines. Joy and terror washed over his face. Ava’s first day of school and finding out he will be a daddy again. Priceless.
I’m still working out and I WILL NOT be hitting 200 lbs. with this baby.
August 15, 2010
Things are looking good. I feel tired but can manage. My exercise routine is very difficult as I feel winded just getting on the elliptical machine but I have been drudging through and losing weight. Today we took the girls to Six Flags and had a blast. We got there when it opened at 10:30 AM and left around 5:30 PM so it was a long day of walking without having very many chances to sit and rest but it was worth it because the girls had the time of their lives. We were chosen to sit in the special sidelines for the whale show. We sat in the front row for the tiger show. Dave and Olivia finished the day by doing the boat ride twice and getting soaked. Great Sunday.
August 18, 2010 Week 5
So far so good. I feel tired but not so tired that I have to nap. I usually just go to sleep a little earlier at night. I feel good otherwise. I haven’t had any food binges thankfully. I worked out today and completed level 6 but I burned only 415 calories verses the 460 I was burning before. I’m happy about this baby and little petrified that we can’t afford it. Hopefully we don’t lose our home in the process but no matter where we live we will always be together and always be a family. I know this sounds like a bunch of random thoughts but it is what it is for now. I probably will only do weekly updates if something significant happens. I don’t see the need for tedious daily updates.
August 20, 2010
Again- still feeling good. I had a fake out this morning where I thought I might get sick but after about 5 minutes on the NT I was feeling fine. It was probably the hard-boiled egg I ate before I exercised which I normally would eat after. This weekend we have a family picture to take to update our photo wall. I gotta get one before I get fat and also now that I have hair that hits my shoulders. My last family photo I had extremely short hair. Hopefully, by this time next year, after the baby is born I will have even longer hair that looks nice, I’ll have lost my prego weight and fat face, and the baby will be 4 months old so it should photograph well. In my head I just laughed at calling it an “it.” Since it hasn’t morphed into a boy or a girl yet I guess the blob really is an “it.” But for the rest of this journal I’m calling it “rabbit.” Oh and Dave wants to find out the sex this time. Since we will be doing an amniocentesis we will have a definitive sex given to us instead of relying on the ultrasound. I’m happy with either. He’d like a boy but will be happy either way. I just don’t know if I really want to know if Rabbit’s a boy or a girl. It would be kinda nice if this time I really was surprised at the birth. We still have a good 11 weeks to decide.
August 23, 2010
I had the sudden urge to pee on another stick today to see if this is really happening. It feels like it isn’t except that I haven’t had a period. I guess that is good and I shouldn’t complain since the worst may be secretly waiting to encompass me in morning sickness. I have been keeping a little journal every few days of my weight to make sure I don’t suddenly gain 20 pounds. It hasn’t been that hard. I really don’t even feel hungry. Watch in 4 months as I reread this I’m stuffing myself like a turkey on Thanksgiving. Ahh! So I looked on line and this baby is due April 20 according to a 28 days cycle but since mine is so crazy I think the date would be more correctly stated as anywhere from April 15- 25. Again we will have another holiday baby. This one strikes at Easter. Ava struck Superbowl Sunday. Livy took over Thanksgiving. Kids- they just do what they want when they want.
August 26, 2010 Week 6
According to the prego book I should only gain 3-4 pounds during the first trimester. That sounds so easy. Yesterday I went to BK to get the girls a milk shake. It was blazin’ hot outside and I felt like they deserved some ice cream but I didn’t want to go buy a gallon so we opted for the shake. Anyway, I ordered a double cheeseburger for myself and since my mouth still tasted like the spaghetti I had eaten the night before I was hoping that the burger would somehow fix that. OMG did it. It was the BEST double cheeseburger ever. A few hours later the taste of metal was back in my mouth all over again but for a few short moments I had experienced heaven.
September 7, 2010
Hangin’ in there. A little bit of blacking out when I stand up but it’s a whole lot better than a full day of morning sickness. It hasn’t hit yet knock on wood. Went to Redding for the holiday and didn’t work out at all. Thought I might have gained a few pounds. Nope.
September 11, 2010 Maybe it's just the date...
It's over. Still seems unreal. There was no heart beat at my 10 week appointment today. The baby stopped growing two weeks ago. Ava thankfully sat there very quietly while the doctor explained my options and then she left. I got dressed, took Ava's hand and left. It was a long and painful ride to pick up Olivia from school and head home. What's worse is to have to call your husband and tell him it's over. And it painfully and dreadfully was.
The End
************
October 07, 2010 Thursday
I never thought I’d come back here. I don’t know if it that was because I was angry at you for dying or at myself because I couldn’t keep you alive. Either way I’m not angry at either of us anymore. Now I’m just sad that I never knew you the way I wanted to, and you didn’t meet me, Dave, or your sisters. They would have been so happy. They fought over where the baby was going to sleep and Ava was just positive that she was going to stuff you in her cradle. I think about you and who you would have been all the time.
Not surprising my Aunt Yolanda died the day after I found out you were no longer. My Grandpa died a few days after Liv’s birth, my Grandma died 20 days after Ava’s birth, and now this. I guess we are living under some strange curse.
Apparently we are all moving on. I no longer lay in my bed. I’ve stopped bleeding from the D&C and the pain from it has disappeared. The girls finally have a somewhat functioning mother again. And Dave- well he’s the glue. The super glue. I know he suffers just like the rest of us but he still has to go to work every day and function and be human and come home and deal with everything I’ve just dropped. He fixes dinner, makes baths, reads the books, takes care of me, and continues to drudge on. Sadly, he had to call his mom to both tell her we were pregnant and not anymore in the same breath. I can’t even grasp what he’s feeling or where he’s at because I can’t gage where I’m at totally. One minute I’m fine and then we get in the truck to go somewhere and I find myself crying. It’s getting better though. I will be fine. We will all be fine.
Fine. That’s what we are left with.
Fine.
October 23, 2010
I’m feeling better and ready to try again. I finally got a period a few days ago. I’m feeling armed and dangerous. I asked Dave if he wanted to try this month. He gave me a firm “no.” But that’s ok. I’m trying anyway. I just needed to know if he’d be willing or if I’d have to trick him. I informed him I would be taking matters into my own hands and he would be tricked. This will be happening. He just smiled. What else can he do?
October 25, 2010
I haven’t given up on you. Don’t give up on us.
We are trying for two months. That is it. I have a good feeling 9 days from now we won’t need to try again. This egg and that sperm are going to make magic. It’s gonna be awesome.
November 15, 2010 Monday
I swear I have been peeing on the sticks since the day I ovulated. But today there is no need to worry. The stick has the faintest pink line. I would worry it is an evaporation line except once I peed on the first stick and got a faint line I then peed on another and there it was. The lightest of all lines. Technically I’m not even supposed to be peeing for a few more days but hey, what else do I have to do first thing in the morning.
So Dave’s mom’s coming into town this Saturday. I was thinking since that day we are having another birthday party for Olivia, a combo-party with two the neighbor kids who also have November/December birthdays, I will keep this news to myself. I know. How will I manage? But since we have been doing a “what are you thankful for” envelope every day this month where we all write what we are thankful for everyday and put it in an envelope that’s numbered for the days of the month leading up to Thanksgiving that will be read Thanksgiving day- I think I will put the stick in the last envelope and everyone will find out that day. Hopefully it works out. Here’s to peeing again tomorrow. This baby’s due July 29th, 2011. Crazy. There’s just no other way to put it.
November 19, 2010 Friday Week 4
Well Olivia you got what you wanted for your birthday without even knowing it.
It may be hard to read but it’s definitely POSITIVE.
This one's better and you can clearly see the double lines.November 28, 2010 Sunday (Week 5 day 3)
Ok so things have been crazy at home, Grandma B is hospitalized still, the kids are better but the weather had trapped us indoors due to rain, everyone has been getting cabin fever. Last night while Dave went to visit Donna I headed to the Emergency room due to back/stomach pain that I figured was due to another miscarriage but after many sonogram pictures you measured exactly where you were supposed to be and the doctor said he saw a faint baby in the sac. Whew. I can only imagine how Dave felt heading to one hospital knowing I was headed to another. But lately things have been so all over the place with us headed in different directions entirely- that now this lifestyle is feeling normal. Plus we didn’t want Donna to know anything was happening with me so she could relax and get well herself.
Anyway I feel fine now. No pain. No nausea except for after I take the pills. No boob issues like last time. I’m actually not even feeling tired yet. My HCG count yesterday was 8000 which is fine and I think I’m going Monday to get it checked with another sonogram but even if I don’t I think everything is fine. Whatever the DR says to do will be ok. I have to take Liv to school and pick up Donna when she gets released so the day is already busy. Nothing like everything happening at once to appreciate a lazy Sunday like today. Dave’s got on his football, the girls are building Legos, and I made some Turkey Curry. TGIS.
December 6, 2010 Monday (Week 6 day 4)
You make me very sick. I mean that in the nicest way possible but I feel like vomiting most of the day. The doctor called and wants another sonogram on Friday to see if there’s a heartbeat. With the way I feel there better be one.
December 13, 2010 Monday (Week 7 day 4)
There is a heartbeat and you seem to be doing well. I’ll be seeing you again on the 4th of Jan. That will be the official sonogram where they take all the measurements and decide on prenatal testing. I was given some good drugs to stop the barfs. I guess switching barf for diarrhea is good, but ideally I’d prefer to have neither. Anyway there’s nothing else to say except that we are all holding it together despite the flu symptoms we have all had.
January 3, 2011 Monday (week 10 day 4)
Tomorrow I get to see you swimming on another ultrasound. I’m a little apprehensive but hoping for the best.
January 4, 2011 Tuesday (week 10 day 5)
Today I saw a lot of you and what I saw looked awesome.
First of all, the initial sightings of you made you freeze on the screen with your arms and legs all stretched out and then you began hopping around like a rabbit and the feeling was wonderful. Olivia went with me to this appt. So far only Ava has gone with me. Liv watched you dance on the screen and said you looked like a dinosaur skeleton. Funny she said that since that is what I said about her when I had her big sonogram. You dad missed the appt, unfortunately due to court, but I sent him the pics and he was amazed. We all are. You are our icing on our very perfect little cake.
January 14, 2011 (week 12 day 1)
Today I stopped taking my pills to see if the morning sickness has subsided or if I just have enough of the medication built up inside of me to fool me for today and then tomorrow I’m doomed. So far I’ve gained 5 pounds I think. This is great since the last two births I had gained 13-15 by now. I have this weird fuji apple craving. I can’t get enough of them. Dave said, “Well it’s better than Carl’s Jr.” Um it wasn’t Carl’s Jr. thank you. It was KFC- and a whole freaking lot of it. So there. Anyway today was a good day. I did a lot of shopping with Ava while Olivia was at school, then we came home and ate lunch, then we walked to the park and ran some laps before meeting two nice girls at the playground. We are going to hook back up next week and play again.
Oh and the amnio has been switched to Feb 10th. This is well before the big sonogram appt. We will know definitely what you before that appt. so if you don’t feel like cooperating- don’t. You won’t be hurting my feelings.
January 18, 2011 Tuesday (week 12 day 5)
So I am off my pills. Besides feeling a little queasy when I start walking around in the morning I’m fine. I usually eat a waffle or two and then everything’s great. This has been the best pregnancy so far in terms of morning sickness. I think you are a boy because with the girls I was SICK and with you each and every thing has been different. I must confess though- without the sickness I wonder if I am facing another miscarriage. This is how things went bad the last time. I have my next appt. the first week of Feb. which is still a lifetime away but I’m just going to think positively unless I have pain and bleeding otherwise.
So the other weird thing about this pregnancy is that we haven’t told anyone but my parents and Dave’s mom. Normally I would have called everyone I knew the second I peed on the stick but after what happened last time we are waiting for the amnio results. I’ll be almost 5 months before we tell anyone. Crazy. I guess so far only gaining 5 pounds has helped me not show. Somehow I think things will change over the next 8 weeks. Good thing for big sweatshirts.
January 26, 2011 Wednesday (week 13 day 6)
So nothing’s new. I feel fine all day like I’m not even prego except that my belly is rounding out. The amnio’s in 2 weeks. Until then there’s just more apples to eat. I wish they were cheaper. It’s the only thing I truly love to eat.
February 5, 2011 Saturday (week 15 day 2)
In the light of uneventful pregnancies- there’s nothing to report except that I have a small baby bump and my amnio this week. Yay.
February 8, 2011 (week 15 day 5)
So after falling down the stairs Superbowl Suday leaving myself with a huge rug burn all the way down my arm and hitting my kidney so hard it still feels bruised today- the baby had a great heart beat at the appt. this morning. The midwife allowed Olivia to put the goo on my stomach and turn on the machine and then she told her that’s the baby’s heart beat- Oops. We hadn’t told her that we are pregnant yet. Was going to spill the beans after the amnio results. So we rode home and Liv was all excited and then I told her that the doctor was just kidding and that she heard my heart beat because I know Olivia would tell everyone at school as soon as she got there and we are just not ready to tell people yet. In another month she can tell whomever she wants but until then- we keep it to ourselves. It’s been a long 15.5 weeks not telling people myself. I can understand her desire.
P.s. that didn’t work and everyone we came in contact with heard Liv’s gonna be a sister again. But she did promise to keep it a secret and not tell anyone at school... How many days until she cracks? I say 3.
February 11, 2011 (Week 16 day 1)
It’s a boy!!! Does anything else really matter??
Yeah so I have a small case of placenta previa but did you hear??? It’s a BOY. We’ll worry about the rest later.
A Star is born!!!
Just in case we needed proof- there he is in all of his glory- the twig and berries.
February 14, 2011 (Week 16 day 4)
Happy Valentine’s Day little buddy. Ava and I decided to name you Gavin which means Hawk which is pretty funny since we’ve been calling you Hawk. Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Some Amnio info:
Anyway I was laying on the table for the sonogram and Dave and I decided we were finding out the gender of the baby. The first time she touched my stomach with the sonogram thing I saw legs and penis. I said, “Wait, that’s a boy!!!” She replied, “Wow, you’re fast mom- let’s take another look…Yep it’s a boy.” And then Dave beamed. He’s got a boy, a son, another little buddy. Then we saw all the little fingers and toes, the brain, the heart, and all the other good stuff, but most importantly he wanted to make sure we saw that crotch shot several times. And then came the big scary needle that actually wasn’t so bad. It couldn’t detract from our euphoria. It’s a boy!!! Yeah, the novelty just hasn’t worn off yet.
February 25, 2011 (Week 18)
Amnio came back perfect. My boy is great. He’s moving everywhere and I think going to be named Gavin.
March 14, 2011 (Week 20 day 4)
Okay, so you are a wiggler. The girls I felt at night when I would lay down but you my friend are always on the move. I thought you were supposed to sleep around 20 hours a day?? If this is any indication of the naps you won’t be taking I am in deep trouble. Other than that there is nothing to report except my girth which I will keep to myself.
March 23, 2011 (Week 21 day 6)
Okay so it’s just me and you again. You, the boy who never stops moving and me, the mom who can barely roll herself off the bed. I realized a few days ago I forgot to tell you about your first baby shower. First of all there is nothing we need for you. I saved everything right down to the little cups for freezing baby food. All I need is diapers, soap, and wipes. My friends have all been giving me bags of boys clothes and your drawers are stuffed full. So full in fact that I have 2 garbage bags of clothes that I haven’t washed because I don’t know where to put them. Needless to say you are a clothes horse like your sisters.
So back to the baby shower. So it wasn’t really a baby shower it was more of a scary movie night. I really wanted to watch Paranormal activity 2 but 2 of my BFF’s are afraid of scary movies so I told them this was my shower and they couldn’t not come. So they did. We pulled the couch right in front of the 65 inch TV and cracked open the wine, the popcorn, and some candy and watched the movie. It was really a girl’s night in and it was fun. We had an excellent time. The real baby "showing" (yes, why are we doing a real one?) is happening after you are born. Everyone’s bringing their kids, we’ll rent a jumper, have lunch with cake and everyone can spend time with you. And the best part, we’ll leave out all the neighbors so their pesky kids have to stay home. That should make your dad really happy. I’ll be asking that no one bring anything but diapers, soap, and wipes if they feel that that have to bring something but really the best gift will already be there. See you soon Hawk.
April 4, 2011 (4 days shy of 6 months)
Wow can you kick. I hope you save that foot for soccer or punting a football and not for kicking your sisters. J
April 9, 2011 (Week 24 day 2)
Ummm the big Costco red velvet cake. I couldn’t have pressured your dad into getting it without you. Thanks. :0
April 18, 2011 (Week 25 day 4)
Okay you win. I’ve been trying to eat healthy and be good this pregnancy but you have now changed your mind and have drifted from apples to red velvet cake and hot tamales. We made cookies this weekend and the girls ate 2 each… you, me and your father wolfed down the rest. I guess it’s a good thing I was never a fatty to begin with. If all goes well I can be back to my pre-wedding weight after you are 4 months old. I miss my clothes. I’d like to wear them again. Thank god for the elliptical.
Oh and I almost forgot. We have chosen your God parents. Ray our neighbor and good friend and Donna, Anne’s mom. Anne is Ava’s God mother and we love her. So since her mom loves our kids like her own grandkids we thought she’d best the best God mommy for you. Donna was thrilled.
April 19, 2011 (Week 25 day 5)
Took the glucose tolerance test today… hoping all is okay seeing as I’m older (as my doctor told me today). I heard the results will be posted in a few hours. Strangely I’ve never worried about this test but a friend just received a bad test result from her GTT and now she has to test her blood several times a day. I don’t want to do that. Everything went great at the appointment though. Your little heart was beating away and your sisters actually behaved themselves. Just think in a few weeks I’ll be dragging 3 kids to the doctor, to different schools, the park and other play dates, and everywhere else I may go- by myself. Sounds scary but we have managed so far and I’m still not on any sedativesJ Sounds like we are in for the ride of our lives and I couldn’t be happier.
May 2, 2011 (Week 27 day 4)
It might be nice if you could forgo some of the heart burn. I mean really, is every day necessary? I like to eat- especially when I'm pregnant and I'm not sure if you are trying to thwart my efforts of eating for two or you just don't want to pop out to a fat mom or what. I've finally got over your very scary brackston hicks at which I couldn't even call Kaiser and ask them for help because "high risk- come in right away" isn't for me. Dave's 2 hours away, my babysitter has to be picked up, one of the girls was typically in school and I'm their driver, and if I did pick them up on my way all three of us would be going to labor and delivery- it's just not happening. I'm not driving up that hill unless the appointments are scheduled or you are officially coming out. Personally, I think you are really low risk since you seem to be kicking up a storm in there. Yes, every night you lay in wait for 7PM to go bananas on my organs. I guess I should thank you for by that time Dave has at least arrived home and can help out with the girls. Otherwise it's me and you and the girls all day by ourselves doing everything. I can't complain though. I do love it. I get you little monkeys all to myself. I get to see everything you do, hear the imaginative stories the girls create while playing, get all the hugs and kisses to myself, and hear the songs and observe the dance moves they create on a whim. We may not be rich monetarily with me not working, but when we can take a lazy Sunday afternoon and turn into a spectacular fishing weekend... well that's all that matters to me. It reminds me of being a kid with my dad and I loved being with him.
May 10, 2011 (Week 28 day 5)
May 2, 2011 (Week 27 day 4)
It might be nice if you could forgo some of the heart burn. I mean really, is every day necessary? I like to eat- especially when I'm pregnant and I'm not sure if you are trying to thwart my efforts of eating for two or you just don't want to pop out to a fat mom or what. I've finally got over your very scary brackston hicks at which I couldn't even call Kaiser and ask them for help because "high risk- come in right away" isn't for me. Dave's 2 hours away, my babysitter has to be picked up, one of the girls was typically in school and I'm their driver, and if I did pick them up on my way all three of us would be going to labor and delivery- it's just not happening. I'm not driving up that hill unless the appointments are scheduled or you are officially coming out. Personally, I think you are really low risk since you seem to be kicking up a storm in there. Yes, every night you lay in wait for 7PM to go bananas on my organs. I guess I should thank you for by that time Dave has at least arrived home and can help out with the girls. Otherwise it's me and you and the girls all day by ourselves doing everything. I can't complain though. I do love it. I get you little monkeys all to myself. I get to see everything you do, hear the imaginative stories the girls create while playing, get all the hugs and kisses to myself, and hear the songs and observe the dance moves they create on a whim. We may not be rich monetarily with me not working, but when we can take a lazy Sunday afternoon and turn into a spectacular fishing weekend... well that's all that matters to me. It reminds me of being a kid with my dad and I loved being with him.
May 10, 2011 (Week 28 day 5)
Well so far we’ve had Easter, Bobble head day (like a national holiday for your father), Mother’s day, and soon my birthday… Where are you? Yes, apparently you are tucked very firmly on my right side making sure your boney little parts are jabbing away at me nonstop to remind me you are there. Don’t worry there isn’t a chance I could forget. Even if I’m not thinking about you for a second, Olivia is reminding everyone SHE is getting a brother.
I just set the crib up so the girls could get used to your stuff a little at a time. Ava said, “He will look gorgeous in this cradle.” And your favorite friend Olivia has designated herself as clothes changer/ butt wiper when you poop. Honestly, there’s nothing left for me to do but feed you so this should be easy. Yes, I said easy. Nothing ever is but the three of you are so worth it I will take all the hard stressful days you throw at me just to have you guys as part of my life. I hope your daddy is as happy about you entering our world as I am. I know he thinks about finances and worries but I know everything will work out okay. Except now I'm thinking we are going to need a bigger dinner table... humm- IKEA maybe?
May Friday the 13th, 2011 (Week 29)
It's been a rather melancholy day. Both kids are napping which hardly ever happens. I have some tunes playing on the stereo downstairs and I'm checking emails. I accidentally hit open the wrong email folder and I saw Laura emails about my brother and the person she knew. I read a few of hers and a few of his emails. It feels like everything happened yesterday when I read the emails. The main thought I had was how my brother never acted like a big brother or even just a brother. He's always seemed like a distant cousin to me. He's met Olivia once when she was a baby, he never met Ava, he'll never meet you, and I guess I was wondering what kind of Uncle he might have made to you and the girls. I guess I'd rather him be nonexistent in your life than be the disappointment he is in mine. I would think that it is a sad state of affairs except he blamed my dad for his affair and I just couldn't take it anymore. I sheltered my dad from all of his garbage and it left him thinking I was being dumb for not talking to Tony but really if it happened all over again I'd defend my dad again and have the same outcome. I also know that Tony's wife told him to choose between her and I (why you ask? She's crazy- for real) and I know my nonconfrontational brother has no backbone so I made the choice for him so he could have his kids and family as miserable as it is because I'd never come between him and his kids. Obviously since he's never called I made the right choice. I don't know why I saved the emails. Maybe just as a reminder of how crazy Amber is, or how close I came to having an awesome and genuine sister-in-law in Laura, or some other reason unknown to me. The reality is I can not give you any Aunts or Uncles from my side of the family and that's it. I wish I could. I wish I could give you the biggest family possible. You guys all deserve to have a huge ring of family support. But even though I failed you in an Uncle you have a pretty awesome 2nd Cousin in Natalie and she will always be here for you. She's the closest family to me and I look to her as a sister. So it's not the traditional family tree but it's what I have to offer.
Man you need to come out soon. I think between the ice cream and the pregnancy hormones I'm starting to skate on the edge.
May 19, 2011 (Week 29 day 7)
Let me start with a huge apology. Yes, I m going to have another big bowl of chocolate ice cream and sadly I will be blaming it all on you. I can't help it. I know you are defenseless being trapped inside my big bubble but c'mon take one for the team. I do each and every night I'd like to sleep but you'd like to play. You also like to drift down underneath me when I lay on my side. It is so not comfortable. Yeah, I can feel you secretly laughing. But you know what? I know what you are in store for when you break on through to this side and HAHA the last laugh will be on you. These girls are more than ready for you and can't wait to dress you and wipe your butt. I give them 5 days and you'll be wearing either the dogs clothes or a tutu. So keep on squirming while I try to sleep funny man.
May Friday the 13th, 2011 (Week 29)
It's been a rather melancholy day. Both kids are napping which hardly ever happens. I have some tunes playing on the stereo downstairs and I'm checking emails. I accidentally hit open the wrong email folder and I saw Laura emails about my brother and the person she knew. I read a few of hers and a few of his emails. It feels like everything happened yesterday when I read the emails. The main thought I had was how my brother never acted like a big brother or even just a brother. He's always seemed like a distant cousin to me. He's met Olivia once when she was a baby, he never met Ava, he'll never meet you, and I guess I was wondering what kind of Uncle he might have made to you and the girls. I guess I'd rather him be nonexistent in your life than be the disappointment he is in mine. I would think that it is a sad state of affairs except he blamed my dad for his affair and I just couldn't take it anymore. I sheltered my dad from all of his garbage and it left him thinking I was being dumb for not talking to Tony but really if it happened all over again I'd defend my dad again and have the same outcome. I also know that Tony's wife told him to choose between her and I (why you ask? She's crazy- for real) and I know my nonconfrontational brother has no backbone so I made the choice for him so he could have his kids and family as miserable as it is because I'd never come between him and his kids. Obviously since he's never called I made the right choice. I don't know why I saved the emails. Maybe just as a reminder of how crazy Amber is, or how close I came to having an awesome and genuine sister-in-law in Laura, or some other reason unknown to me. The reality is I can not give you any Aunts or Uncles from my side of the family and that's it. I wish I could. I wish I could give you the biggest family possible. You guys all deserve to have a huge ring of family support. But even though I failed you in an Uncle you have a pretty awesome 2nd Cousin in Natalie and she will always be here for you. She's the closest family to me and I look to her as a sister. So it's not the traditional family tree but it's what I have to offer.
Man you need to come out soon. I think between the ice cream and the pregnancy hormones I'm starting to skate on the edge.
May 19, 2011 (Week 29 day 7)
Let me start with a huge apology. Yes, I m going to have another big bowl of chocolate ice cream and sadly I will be blaming it all on you. I can't help it. I know you are defenseless being trapped inside my big bubble but c'mon take one for the team. I do each and every night I'd like to sleep but you'd like to play. You also like to drift down underneath me when I lay on my side. It is so not comfortable. Yeah, I can feel you secretly laughing. But you know what? I know what you are in store for when you break on through to this side and HAHA the last laugh will be on you. These girls are more than ready for you and can't wait to dress you and wipe your butt. I give them 5 days and you'll be wearing either the dogs clothes or a tutu. So keep on squirming while I try to sleep funny man.
June 4, 2011 (Week 32 day 2)
The wait is finally over. I had the sonogram on Thursday and the placenta previa is finally gone and you my friend are coming out from where you went in. No more "high risk" pregnancy for either of us. The placenta is up far enough to the left that your big dome covers the cervix. And you were measured again. Your weight was right on track, your head and stomach measured a little bigger than the median, and everything else was right on the median so you are good to go and most likely about 19 inches and 4 pounds. I so did not want to have a c-section at all. This has been wonderful news. I hope that when you come out I get to hold you for an hour and feel your skin like I did with Ava. Her skin felt so warm, soft, and wet. It's hard to describe the feeling but you will never have that same feeling to your skin again after those first few moments. And I so want to cherish that moment.
June 6, 2011 (Week 32 day 4)
You might want to stay in there it has just been an ugly day. Your sisters are apparently stealing different items from school, Ava made me late when I asked her to put on her seat belt only for me to get in the car and find out that she wasn't even sitting down. Neither of your sisters has stopped talking for a minute today and quite frankly both have literally driven me up the wall. Your father will be late again for karate... what else? There's more but I'll just keep the more depressing stuff to myself. Lately I've been questioning when to announce you on Facebook. I've told our families and anyone who I see every day that we are pregnato because obviously there's no hiding it at this point but as far as our friends that don't see us- they have no idea. We waited until 5 months to tell anyone other than our parents, and the others could just see for themselves at 6 months. So I don't know what to do- just make a Facebook post or call everyone even though there's so much to tell and so very little phone time between your sisters vying for my attention. Maybe we should just wait until you are born and then do a post that reads, "Our newest addition." I wish I knew what to do. As of now I will just ponder the options.
June 10, 2011 (Week 33 day 1)
Went to the doctor today who reviewed the latest sonogram results. We are officially classified as "normal" status and can now breathe easy. I had a hard time these last 16 weeks worrying about whether or not the placenta was going to rip and one or both of us was going to bleed to death. Every time I peed I had to check for blood, every pain I got I thought it was over for us. I am so relieved. Today I feel like I can actually put you out on facebook because this really is happening. It does seem a little weird so late in the game but it is what it is.
June 23, 2011 (Week 34 day 6)
So I was just noticing that we made it this far without hemorrhoids and I thank you. But... I have had such painful pelvic pain combined with sciatic pain it seems to be a wash. Tomorrow I go in for the Strep B test and then Saturday we leave for an 11 day vacation. No Kaisers anywhere within a 4 hour radius so lets just keep you in- Okay. I'm a little terrified but this was a planned thing last year to take the kids to my mom's for a week for swimming and bike rides (Liv got another even bigger bike yesterday- 18inches- so we can leave at least one at gma's. I'm still looking for another for Ava.) and then for the weekend of the 4th of July we are camping for 4 days to watch the fireworks over the lake and go fishing. Should be fun and not as hot as it is here. So please- stay put until the Wednesday we get back. Then you can come out as soon as you want-- I prefer sooner thank you.
Also I posted you on FB and now you are real. People were a little shocked to see you had only a few weeks left in the oven but there's nothing I could do about it. Jennifer, Dave's cousin, has been posting her pregnancy all over FB and just went to do the sonogram that determines gender and they found a hole in the baby's heart and the chances are high she is going to be a Down's baby. I know how difficult that news must have been to hear but then to have to share it publicly on FB with everyone calling and leaving comments- I couldn't take it. I couldn't take talking about the miscarriage until after you were 12 weeks along. So I think we did the right thing and chose self preservation so we could deal with whatever came our way first by ourselves without anyone telling us what they thought or how they felt about our choices. Thankfully, with you there weren't any issues genetically just the previa but let me tell you- I was afraid. I didn't want either of us to die and I didn't want your sisters to grow up without a mom. It was a tense 16 weeks but we've turned the corner and get to enjoy the end at least. I love you little buddy. Your sisters hug and kiss you every night before they go to bed and tell you they love you too. And your dad- well he can't wait to have another man in the house to even out the playing field.
July 12, 2011 (Week 37 day 5)
Come out come out wherever you are. I'm gong to show you what you are doing to me. It may scare you into staying up there but please for my sake just come out.
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The wait is finally over. I had the sonogram on Thursday and the placenta previa is finally gone and you my friend are coming out from where you went in. No more "high risk" pregnancy for either of us. The placenta is up far enough to the left that your big dome covers the cervix. And you were measured again. Your weight was right on track, your head and stomach measured a little bigger than the median, and everything else was right on the median so you are good to go and most likely about 19 inches and 4 pounds. I so did not want to have a c-section at all. This has been wonderful news. I hope that when you come out I get to hold you for an hour and feel your skin like I did with Ava. Her skin felt so warm, soft, and wet. It's hard to describe the feeling but you will never have that same feeling to your skin again after those first few moments. And I so want to cherish that moment.
June 6, 2011 (Week 32 day 4)
You might want to stay in there it has just been an ugly day. Your sisters are apparently stealing different items from school, Ava made me late when I asked her to put on her seat belt only for me to get in the car and find out that she wasn't even sitting down. Neither of your sisters has stopped talking for a minute today and quite frankly both have literally driven me up the wall. Your father will be late again for karate... what else? There's more but I'll just keep the more depressing stuff to myself. Lately I've been questioning when to announce you on Facebook. I've told our families and anyone who I see every day that we are pregnato because obviously there's no hiding it at this point but as far as our friends that don't see us- they have no idea. We waited until 5 months to tell anyone other than our parents, and the others could just see for themselves at 6 months. So I don't know what to do- just make a Facebook post or call everyone even though there's so much to tell and so very little phone time between your sisters vying for my attention. Maybe we should just wait until you are born and then do a post that reads, "Our newest addition." I wish I knew what to do. As of now I will just ponder the options.
June 10, 2011 (Week 33 day 1)
Went to the doctor today who reviewed the latest sonogram results. We are officially classified as "normal" status and can now breathe easy. I had a hard time these last 16 weeks worrying about whether or not the placenta was going to rip and one or both of us was going to bleed to death. Every time I peed I had to check for blood, every pain I got I thought it was over for us. I am so relieved. Today I feel like I can actually put you out on facebook because this really is happening. It does seem a little weird so late in the game but it is what it is.
June 23, 2011 (Week 34 day 6)
So I was just noticing that we made it this far without hemorrhoids and I thank you. But... I have had such painful pelvic pain combined with sciatic pain it seems to be a wash. Tomorrow I go in for the Strep B test and then Saturday we leave for an 11 day vacation. No Kaisers anywhere within a 4 hour radius so lets just keep you in- Okay. I'm a little terrified but this was a planned thing last year to take the kids to my mom's for a week for swimming and bike rides (Liv got another even bigger bike yesterday- 18inches- so we can leave at least one at gma's. I'm still looking for another for Ava.) and then for the weekend of the 4th of July we are camping for 4 days to watch the fireworks over the lake and go fishing. Should be fun and not as hot as it is here. So please- stay put until the Wednesday we get back. Then you can come out as soon as you want-- I prefer sooner thank you.
Also I posted you on FB and now you are real. People were a little shocked to see you had only a few weeks left in the oven but there's nothing I could do about it. Jennifer, Dave's cousin, has been posting her pregnancy all over FB and just went to do the sonogram that determines gender and they found a hole in the baby's heart and the chances are high she is going to be a Down's baby. I know how difficult that news must have been to hear but then to have to share it publicly on FB with everyone calling and leaving comments- I couldn't take it. I couldn't take talking about the miscarriage until after you were 12 weeks along. So I think we did the right thing and chose self preservation so we could deal with whatever came our way first by ourselves without anyone telling us what they thought or how they felt about our choices. Thankfully, with you there weren't any issues genetically just the previa but let me tell you- I was afraid. I didn't want either of us to die and I didn't want your sisters to grow up without a mom. It was a tense 16 weeks but we've turned the corner and get to enjoy the end at least. I love you little buddy. Your sisters hug and kiss you every night before they go to bed and tell you they love you too. And your dad- well he can't wait to have another man in the house to even out the playing field.
July 12, 2011 (Week 37 day 5)
Come out come out wherever you are. I'm gong to show you what you are doing to me. It may scare you into staying up there but please for my sake just come out.
See I told you I look scary. Let's get this over with now.
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