We squeezed in Six Flags Sunday. Well, we were there practically the entire day so I don't really know if it qualifies as being squeezed into our plans but we had fun. We walked the entire park and back again so Ava could get some exercise before she has to lay around for a week.
We began with the whale and tiger shows. Then we rode some basic rides like the trains or the other easy ones for kids Ava's size. Then we rode some other family rides like Thrilla Gorilla. This ride doesn't have a height requirement oddly enough since it goes really fast. Ava loved it at first but about two thirds of the way through she was done. It lasts a little too long in my opinion but Olivia loved it of course. The higher, faster, bumpier, spinnier they are the more she loves the ride. We then rode the waterfall raft ride and a roller coaster and then moved on.
Then we went to pet the elephant, touch the butterflies, view the shark tank which Olivia could not have cared less for...strange since she normally loves fish, sharks, or any other aquatic life. Ava wanted to pet the string rays so we went there for awhile and then headed home. It was a long day of walking. The girls enjoyed themselves and it was a fun family outing.
Yesterday we squeezed in a trip to Chuck E. Cheese. We had a few tokens left from the last time we were there so we brought those along. The girls played a few games, found some extra tickets, crawled around in that tube thing, probably got infected with a bunch of germs, and then spent the tickets to buy Olivia a pair of earrings and Ava a pink lizard. Then back home we went to eat lunch and take a nap.
Today the girls are playing in the tent that is set up in the livingroom while we are waiting for the hospital to call since they called this morning and said they would be calling after 11 A.M. today with Ava's appointment time. Then afterwards we are going out to ride the bikes and play outside for awhile.
Tomorrow we have Ava's shindig and St. Patrick's Day. I will be making corned beef in the crockpot in the morning before we leave so it will cook all day while we are at the hospital so no one has to come home and think about, "what's for dinner?" Tammy is watching Olivia tomorrow and since today is Tammy's birthday I set out a cake mix and frosting so together they can bake her a cake while we are gone. Olivia loves being in the kitchen and helping and this will be nice for her to have time without Ava trying to stand on the chair next to her.
Friday Olivia and Dave are headed to a class field trip to the Jelly Belly Factory. Ava and I will be sitting around watching movies all day, playing our games, and reading our books. Doesn't sound too exciting I'm sure but having a day with one kid all day and the ability to sit on my ass in the process- priceless.
Hopefully we are done squeezing in going anywhere else in for this week. The weekend is already full from Olivia's eye appointment on Saturday, we have to go back to the accountant as well to get our tax results, send my mom a birthday card, and attend to anything extraneous that may pop up. I think I need a vacation day without kids but to be able to be home alone to "just be". That would be nice. I bet Dave wishes for the same thing...
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, March 15, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Hodge Podge
Ava saw her pediatrician today and was given the green light for Wednesday as long as she doesn't get sick between now and then. I have my fingers crossed and am praying for a Hail Mary.
The appointment went well. I had to take Olivia with me since she didn't have school. I was telling her before the doctor walked in that the appointment was not for her or about her and that she needed to sit and be quiet so he could talk with Ava and give her her physical. So the door opens and the doctor walks in and he looks at Olivia and says, "Hi."
Olivia says with a big grin, "Hi doctor, How are you doing today?"
And he tells her, "Fine. Thank you for asking."
And then he looks at me and says, "Wow mom, you are doing a great job. In my 3 1/2 years here she is the only kid who has ever asked ME how I'm doing. Your kids are very polite."
I must say- they are very polite and have great manners. They both know how to use 'please, thank you, I'm sorry, you're forgiven, may I be excused from the table?, cover their faces when they sneeze or cough,' and all the other niceties I can't think of at the moment. Don't get me wrong though. They know how to fight and squabble just the same and give the remark, 'you're not my friend anymore' at the first instance of not getting their way. It was just nice today to see Olivia be kind and chatty even after I told her this appointment was not about her and she needed to be quiet. She wasn't intrusive during the exam. She was really quiet and good. And she knows the difference between when and what she can say and when to not speak in public. She really is learning every day.
I look at her and sometimes I think about how trying it can be being a SAHM and then she does something like this and I remember why it is so important to be there and teach her the things I want instilled in her. And on days like today I feel like, "Yeah. I did make the right choice for myself and I'm doing a good job at it."
Sometimes I question if I'm teaching them the right stuff. If I'm doing enough or playing enough. I'm sure there's a lot of different techniques I could use to educate my kids but so far things appear to be on track. Olivia can write all of her letters, she began spelling 4 letter words awhile ago and now will come up to me in the kitchen or somewhere and say, "Mommy, how do you spell water?" Then I tell her and I can hear her walk away chanting W-A-T-E-R all over the house. She can read some words by sounding them out too. It's kinda scary because Dave and I have become used to spelling everything out in front of her and soon we won't be able to anymore.
And then there's Ava. She didn't want to listen to books in the same way Olivia would so I figured she would struggle to learn but then she surprised me. She just has a different way of learning and completely different interests. We were walking down the street the other day and she pointed at the stop sign and told me, "Look mommy, it's an octagon." Baffled she knew that I asked her what other shapes she saw. She named them all. Then she saw the letters that are sometimes carved into the sidewalks for the power/water companies and she begins walking and reading the letters out loud. She knows all of her letters.
I've asked her so many times, "What is this letter, Ava?" when we are in the house and she looks up at the ceiling, cocks her head to the side, and puts her chubby little finger to her cheek and tells me something random. I end up thinking, 'oh well she'll learn them at some point she just won't know them all before she starts preschool like Olivia did.' But she does know them- capital and lower case. She just doesn't spew it out in the conventional way. She even knows what sound each letter makes. Ironically, Dave and I believe she is farther ahead of Olivia when Liv began preschool. With the help of Olivia's constant practice Ava has reaped all of the rewards. The proof is that Ava did Olivia's dance routine after only seeing it performed a few times. She picks stuff up so quickly. It's so exciting and so terrifying at the same time. I look at Ava and my baby is gone and she has been replaced by a developing 3 year old.
I am so happy that I spend every day with her and Olivia. I get to see it all. I get to be there for all the 'moments' and that makes me very happy. I know too soon I'll be hearing about them second hand from the backseat of the car on the way home from school. So I'm not trying to brag about my kids. I just think that they rock. And when they read this later they will see why I stayed home with them and how much I enjoy it as well as how very deeply I love them.
The appointment went well. I had to take Olivia with me since she didn't have school. I was telling her before the doctor walked in that the appointment was not for her or about her and that she needed to sit and be quiet so he could talk with Ava and give her her physical. So the door opens and the doctor walks in and he looks at Olivia and says, "Hi."
Olivia says with a big grin, "Hi doctor, How are you doing today?"
And he tells her, "Fine. Thank you for asking."
And then he looks at me and says, "Wow mom, you are doing a great job. In my 3 1/2 years here she is the only kid who has ever asked ME how I'm doing. Your kids are very polite."
I must say- they are very polite and have great manners. They both know how to use 'please, thank you, I'm sorry, you're forgiven, may I be excused from the table?, cover their faces when they sneeze or cough,' and all the other niceties I can't think of at the moment. Don't get me wrong though. They know how to fight and squabble just the same and give the remark, 'you're not my friend anymore' at the first instance of not getting their way. It was just nice today to see Olivia be kind and chatty even after I told her this appointment was not about her and she needed to be quiet. She wasn't intrusive during the exam. She was really quiet and good. And she knows the difference between when and what she can say and when to not speak in public. She really is learning every day.
I look at her and sometimes I think about how trying it can be being a SAHM and then she does something like this and I remember why it is so important to be there and teach her the things I want instilled in her. And on days like today I feel like, "Yeah. I did make the right choice for myself and I'm doing a good job at it."
Sometimes I question if I'm teaching them the right stuff. If I'm doing enough or playing enough. I'm sure there's a lot of different techniques I could use to educate my kids but so far things appear to be on track. Olivia can write all of her letters, she began spelling 4 letter words awhile ago and now will come up to me in the kitchen or somewhere and say, "Mommy, how do you spell water?" Then I tell her and I can hear her walk away chanting W-A-T-E-R all over the house. She can read some words by sounding them out too. It's kinda scary because Dave and I have become used to spelling everything out in front of her and soon we won't be able to anymore.
And then there's Ava. She didn't want to listen to books in the same way Olivia would so I figured she would struggle to learn but then she surprised me. She just has a different way of learning and completely different interests. We were walking down the street the other day and she pointed at the stop sign and told me, "Look mommy, it's an octagon." Baffled she knew that I asked her what other shapes she saw. She named them all. Then she saw the letters that are sometimes carved into the sidewalks for the power/water companies and she begins walking and reading the letters out loud. She knows all of her letters.
I've asked her so many times, "What is this letter, Ava?" when we are in the house and she looks up at the ceiling, cocks her head to the side, and puts her chubby little finger to her cheek and tells me something random. I end up thinking, 'oh well she'll learn them at some point she just won't know them all before she starts preschool like Olivia did.' But she does know them- capital and lower case. She just doesn't spew it out in the conventional way. She even knows what sound each letter makes. Ironically, Dave and I believe she is farther ahead of Olivia when Liv began preschool. With the help of Olivia's constant practice Ava has reaped all of the rewards. The proof is that Ava did Olivia's dance routine after only seeing it performed a few times. She picks stuff up so quickly. It's so exciting and so terrifying at the same time. I look at Ava and my baby is gone and she has been replaced by a developing 3 year old.
I am so happy that I spend every day with her and Olivia. I get to see it all. I get to be there for all the 'moments' and that makes me very happy. I know too soon I'll be hearing about them second hand from the backseat of the car on the way home from school. So I'm not trying to brag about my kids. I just think that they rock. And when they read this later they will see why I stayed home with them and how much I enjoy it as well as how very deeply I love them.
Labels:
Eye Doctor,
life,
Preschool,
the girls
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
If Only
Ava walking out of the bathroom yells, "Hey Olivia, peepee just came out of my crotchy!"
Olivia yells back, "that's awwwwesome Ava."
If only my life were that interesting.
And in other news...
I have been ordered around so much today by Miss A and Miss B that I think this is what it must feel like to be a man.
Olivia yells back, "that's awwwwesome Ava."
If only my life were that interesting.
And in other news...
I have been ordered around so much today by Miss A and Miss B that I think this is what it must feel like to be a man.
Friday, January 15, 2010
How I See It
How do you know what you're doing is the right thing to do? Since there isn't a life manuscript to follow or some sort of guide to say 'yes, if you do this then things will turn out this way' how do you decide? I always question if life is predetermined, a destiny, or fate. Is it simply based on karmic values you get out of it what you put in or is it based solely on every choice you make. Some choices being those you didn't make which in the end is ultimately a choice too.
I question this a lot when dealing with the girls. Am I going to screw them up and they will end up spending half of their adult life in therapy talking about the horrible childhood they had? So far I personally think things are good but you never know what or how someone else truly feels about a situation. I think back about when my brother was attempting to divorce his wife... First let me tell you they are still married sadly. My brother couldn't bear the thought of leaving his kids so he's sucking it up I believe in a loveless marriage until they are old enough and out of school. During the time he had moved out of the house he told me that his divorce was really all my dad's fault. My dad didn't tell him not to marry the first girl he dated, didn't talk to him about sex, never took him on vacations... He blamed my dad for anything he could to take the blame off of himself and his horrid wife.
My brother had wanted to leave for 3 years but something always happened and he couldn't tell his wife he wanted to leave. First she got pregnant with their 3rd child, the next year her mom committed suicide on Christmas, and the third year he had an affair. He figured if he cheated he would have to tell her the truth and it was his way out. Well it was for awhile. The girl he was dating was awesome. Even though my brother was spineless and asked me to breakup with his mistress for him we still talk through FB. She married a really nice guy and is very happy although in a perfect world I think she is totally still in love with my brother. Anyway when he went back to his wife he gave up himself essentially. My brother is a perfectionist. He is a cardiologist with high honors. He has been accepted to every program and school he's applied for. He has never failed. Until now. Having an affair and getting divorced was a big fat "F" in my brother's eyes. (Keep in mind I don't condone having an affair at all, but he's my brother and I supported him when he needed it.) So instead of living and learning and accepting his decisions he passed the buck onto my dad.
I explained to my brother through all of this that we are given two parents for a reason. That being that one person can't do everything so when dad can't do something to help you you always have mom. (Yes I realize there are single parent families, divorced families, gay families, and all different kind of families but I am speaking of OUR family only. My parents are still happily married.) When I needed something car or house related fixed I would ask dad. When I needed relationship advice I'd ask mom. I knew what their strengths were and I would go to that person for that thing that I needed. My brother understood and then talked about how we never went anywhere as kids. That's a lie. We went camping every year, we went to the world's fair, on a cruise, and to see relatives around the country. OK so maybe it's not the most lavish vacations but good Lord, my dad worked 3 jobs most of the time and when I was in high school he took a fourth job as a Jr. college teacher 2 nights a week. He was at every one of my swim meets and for a few years was the official during the meets. My dad worked hard and we had everything we wanted. We never had to worry if we could afford groceries or pay the bills. We were safe and well cared for. Now don't get me wrong my parents aren't perfect but they tried their best and I feel they did a good job.
So in the heat of my brother's divorce fiasco a very fine line was drawn. I wasn't going to tell my dad all of the horrible things that my brother said about him. I also was tired of dealing with my brother's wife. She had told him he had to choose between her or me (weird I know). Just as a side note...my brother's wife is a very jealous person. They have 3 boys. When she heard 4 years ago I had had a girl everything changed and she became really mean. Thinking back now she was always deceitful but it was hidden better. Anyway she yelled at me one day for not wanting to bring the baby out to see her on her demands. At that point she started treating me funny. I told my parents but at that point they thought I was overreacting. Then a few years later the virus spread to them and they saw for themselves it wasn't me but her. She definitely was being a jerk. I talked it over with my brother but he wouldn't get involved. He's a coward like that. Can't confront an issue because that might cross the lines of communication. (But later when he listed the reason for wanting to divorce her they were they same reasons I felt like I couldn't take her anymore.) She also had done some pretty despicable things to my parents and my parents decided they no longer wanted to have any contact with her and she didn't want to have anything to do with them.
So here I am. In the middle. Trying to maintain something with my brother and trying to make things work out with him and my parents despite the fact that he decided to go back to the wife. Whenever I spoke to him we would talk all around the big pink elephant in the room but never about it. Finally I snapped. I just wanted to know how things were going to be. Were we supposed to be calling him on his cell phone only because his wife was erasing the messages although you can't tell him that because she says she didn't, he had an affair, and now he can't challenge anything she says. She used to buy and send x-mas presents for the kids... would he be doing it now or are we just going to stop the gift giving? Will my parents ever get a picture of their grand kids again? (Here again she says she sent them to everyone- her 'everyone' just didn't include my parents.) I just wanted to know how things were going to be. All I got back was denial.
So let me note a few things before I go on. My brother is 5 years older than me. When he left for college I was 12. He never came home. My parents think he was ashamed of them that they weren't doctors or something with a great title. My dad actually has a very successful business he started from scratch. Anyway because he never came home we never spoke. People would always ask me about my brother but it was like telling them about a cousin or something. So once I went to college, he was in the military for school so I saw him at his graduations, or wedding, or the births of his kids. I could be a real ass and point out the only event he has come to for me was my college graduation. He did not attend my wedding, he has never met Ava and saw Olivia once at a wedding for my cousin. I was never a priority for him. Anyway we were never tight until he had the affair. We actually were like brother and sister for a few short months thanks to his mistress. It was really really nice. He was a totally different person. I liked him. He could share his feelings. He told me he never failed at anything and this was killing him. I told him all the dumb things that I did in the past. He said he always wondered if his success put stress on me to be like him. Actually it freed me. My parent's already had the Messiah therefore I could do whatever I wanted. Yes, they wanted me to be an Olympic swimmer. I never wanted that kind of stress. I wanted to be free to change my mind and go on my own journey without guardrails. And I did.
And then it happened. After a few times of my brother packing his kids in the car to send them home with their mom he broke. He couldn't take it. I don't blame him. I would have probably done the same thing unless I had sole custody. So he returned to that dark place of marriage hiding his feelings and passing everyday by saying everything's OK when it wasn't for the sake of his kids. During this time I had two thoughts that were always crossing my mind. First, this sucks that he's doomed. I wouldn't wish this on my enemy. I miss the brother I had for a few months and I know he's not happy. And second, She will force him to pick between us.
So going back to when I said we were having the conversation about how things were going to be and all I got was denial. I could hear on the phone that day he was already gone. We got in a huge fight. I told him all of this was his fault, their fault. Yes, I was probably out of line but I felt it was the truth. Our family was screwed up because of their actions. I was done trying to fix it. He hung up on me. Typical for him. He can't tolerate confrontation or being wrong. So I called him back and left him this message, "I can't do this anymore with you. I can't fix it between you and mom and dad. I can't not talk about what's really happening. I love you and the boys. I hope you have a happy life and wish you the best but I can't be a part of it anymore." I gave him the out that I knew he couldn't do for himself. I know if he would still talk to me his life would be scrutinized by his wife. She'd treat him bad and I'd be to blame. Eventually he'd would have just stopped talking to me.
You may think this wasn't the best solution to our problems but I had to move forward with my life and my family and taking one major issue off of my brother's plate was the best gift I could have given him. I think sometimes if he decides to divorce her 10 years from now when the kids are grown would he call me or me him? I don't know. I don't know what he'd do. If he called and he needed a sister, although I would be pissed at him for not fighting for me, I'd be there. I'd be there because it's the right thing to do. I'd be there because although I couldn't be part of his life I still love him like a brother even though he always treated me like a cousin. I'd be there because even though he's a stupid stupid sh*t, he's my family. His wife can not take away the fact that he is blood related to me. Nothing can change that. As for me...would I or will I contact him? No. Wow I can answer that so fast. When I think about fate, how our lives are supposed to turn out, is it destiny or just whatever the heck we make of it... I think that things didn't turn out so bad. He left me with a great a friend, his mistress. And when I think of her I think of the one time in my life that I truly enjoyed my brother. I think of how happy he was with her. He was free with his emotions with her. He entwined our lives and maybe this was the reason. Maybe subconsciously souls know where they are headed and his knew he and I would be no longer so he left me with the next best thing. Who knows. What I do know is that none of my brother's issues with his wife have anything to do with his childhood and the lack of vacations he felt we had. I certainly hope he didn't spend his time in therapy (2 whole sessions) telling the therapist it's all my parents fault.
When I started this post this I wasn't even thinking about my brother. I was thinking of my girls and if I am doing a good job parenting them. Will they have to spend their lives in therapy because we aren't giving them enough or doing enough or whatever? Are we too hard as parents or are we too easy? Where's the freakin' book that tells you what to do in every situation? How do you know when you are ready for another child or ready to stop having kids? Is money always going to be the issue that dictates our lives and chooses our path for us? Is it wrong to throw caution to the wind and just take the big leap of faith that it will all work out how it is supposed to in the end whether it's good or bad? How do you know you'll stay married forever? I mean you get married to be married forever but as we see divorce happens. People's ideals change during their lives and what if what one person wants is different than the other persons wants and they just stay together but are resentful or they need to leave to attain the things they now feel they need. I only have one divorced friend. It was out of her control. She tried everything but unfortunately everything didn't work. Her partner's ideals changed and she couldn't live the 'married with kids' lifestyle anymore. Some things are just out of our control. We only really know how we think and feel inside. My brother secretly despised his wife for 3 years without telling her. He already had a new checking account, a divorce lawyer, girlfriend, and an apartment before telling his wife. My friend's wife knew for months she was leaving but waited until she felt the baby was old enough that my friend could handle it. Deception is a nasty aspect in relationships. Even when it doesn't happen directly to you, it's hard to not wonder if one day it will happen to you or if it will be you. Don't get me wrong I am not secretly planning on divorcing my husband and I don't think he's planning on leaving me either. We are in a good place in our marriage. Sometimes I just wonder with all the mayhem around us will it one day affect us too? Is it just silly to think that we can escape the odds and choose the right road for success? Would making one bad decision destroy the whole picture or are we strong enough to survive anything? I hope so. I hope that whether or not Dave and I hit a bump in the road or our ideals change that we both can change together or somehow agree to disagree but still love eachother and want to be with eachother. I don't want to think years from now that I really didn't know what I had until it was gone.
Well that being said, my girls having been playing by themselves for quite some time now and have very good even though they both have colds. I need to fix them some lunch and spend some quality time with them because in a blink they'll be grown and I'll wish I had these moments back. That and they are chasing eachother with a shark and a whale and yelling "sperm." Maybe I shouldn't have been so graphic when I told them the difference between the whales was that one was a sperm whale and the other was an orca. Hind sight stinks.
I question this a lot when dealing with the girls. Am I going to screw them up and they will end up spending half of their adult life in therapy talking about the horrible childhood they had? So far I personally think things are good but you never know what or how someone else truly feels about a situation. I think back about when my brother was attempting to divorce his wife... First let me tell you they are still married sadly. My brother couldn't bear the thought of leaving his kids so he's sucking it up I believe in a loveless marriage until they are old enough and out of school. During the time he had moved out of the house he told me that his divorce was really all my dad's fault. My dad didn't tell him not to marry the first girl he dated, didn't talk to him about sex, never took him on vacations... He blamed my dad for anything he could to take the blame off of himself and his horrid wife.
My brother had wanted to leave for 3 years but something always happened and he couldn't tell his wife he wanted to leave. First she got pregnant with their 3rd child, the next year her mom committed suicide on Christmas, and the third year he had an affair. He figured if he cheated he would have to tell her the truth and it was his way out. Well it was for awhile. The girl he was dating was awesome. Even though my brother was spineless and asked me to breakup with his mistress for him we still talk through FB. She married a really nice guy and is very happy although in a perfect world I think she is totally still in love with my brother. Anyway when he went back to his wife he gave up himself essentially. My brother is a perfectionist. He is a cardiologist with high honors. He has been accepted to every program and school he's applied for. He has never failed. Until now. Having an affair and getting divorced was a big fat "F" in my brother's eyes. (Keep in mind I don't condone having an affair at all, but he's my brother and I supported him when he needed it.) So instead of living and learning and accepting his decisions he passed the buck onto my dad.
I explained to my brother through all of this that we are given two parents for a reason. That being that one person can't do everything so when dad can't do something to help you you always have mom. (Yes I realize there are single parent families, divorced families, gay families, and all different kind of families but I am speaking of OUR family only. My parents are still happily married.) When I needed something car or house related fixed I would ask dad. When I needed relationship advice I'd ask mom. I knew what their strengths were and I would go to that person for that thing that I needed. My brother understood and then talked about how we never went anywhere as kids. That's a lie. We went camping every year, we went to the world's fair, on a cruise, and to see relatives around the country. OK so maybe it's not the most lavish vacations but good Lord, my dad worked 3 jobs most of the time and when I was in high school he took a fourth job as a Jr. college teacher 2 nights a week. He was at every one of my swim meets and for a few years was the official during the meets. My dad worked hard and we had everything we wanted. We never had to worry if we could afford groceries or pay the bills. We were safe and well cared for. Now don't get me wrong my parents aren't perfect but they tried their best and I feel they did a good job.
So in the heat of my brother's divorce fiasco a very fine line was drawn. I wasn't going to tell my dad all of the horrible things that my brother said about him. I also was tired of dealing with my brother's wife. She had told him he had to choose between her or me (weird I know). Just as a side note...my brother's wife is a very jealous person. They have 3 boys. When she heard 4 years ago I had had a girl everything changed and she became really mean. Thinking back now she was always deceitful but it was hidden better. Anyway she yelled at me one day for not wanting to bring the baby out to see her on her demands. At that point she started treating me funny. I told my parents but at that point they thought I was overreacting. Then a few years later the virus spread to them and they saw for themselves it wasn't me but her. She definitely was being a jerk. I talked it over with my brother but he wouldn't get involved. He's a coward like that. Can't confront an issue because that might cross the lines of communication. (But later when he listed the reason for wanting to divorce her they were they same reasons I felt like I couldn't take her anymore.) She also had done some pretty despicable things to my parents and my parents decided they no longer wanted to have any contact with her and she didn't want to have anything to do with them.
So here I am. In the middle. Trying to maintain something with my brother and trying to make things work out with him and my parents despite the fact that he decided to go back to the wife. Whenever I spoke to him we would talk all around the big pink elephant in the room but never about it. Finally I snapped. I just wanted to know how things were going to be. Were we supposed to be calling him on his cell phone only because his wife was erasing the messages although you can't tell him that because she says she didn't, he had an affair, and now he can't challenge anything she says. She used to buy and send x-mas presents for the kids... would he be doing it now or are we just going to stop the gift giving? Will my parents ever get a picture of their grand kids again? (Here again she says she sent them to everyone- her 'everyone' just didn't include my parents.) I just wanted to know how things were going to be. All I got back was denial.
So let me note a few things before I go on. My brother is 5 years older than me. When he left for college I was 12. He never came home. My parents think he was ashamed of them that they weren't doctors or something with a great title. My dad actually has a very successful business he started from scratch. Anyway because he never came home we never spoke. People would always ask me about my brother but it was like telling them about a cousin or something. So once I went to college, he was in the military for school so I saw him at his graduations, or wedding, or the births of his kids. I could be a real ass and point out the only event he has come to for me was my college graduation. He did not attend my wedding, he has never met Ava and saw Olivia once at a wedding for my cousin. I was never a priority for him. Anyway we were never tight until he had the affair. We actually were like brother and sister for a few short months thanks to his mistress. It was really really nice. He was a totally different person. I liked him. He could share his feelings. He told me he never failed at anything and this was killing him. I told him all the dumb things that I did in the past. He said he always wondered if his success put stress on me to be like him. Actually it freed me. My parent's already had the Messiah therefore I could do whatever I wanted. Yes, they wanted me to be an Olympic swimmer. I never wanted that kind of stress. I wanted to be free to change my mind and go on my own journey without guardrails. And I did.
And then it happened. After a few times of my brother packing his kids in the car to send them home with their mom he broke. He couldn't take it. I don't blame him. I would have probably done the same thing unless I had sole custody. So he returned to that dark place of marriage hiding his feelings and passing everyday by saying everything's OK when it wasn't for the sake of his kids. During this time I had two thoughts that were always crossing my mind. First, this sucks that he's doomed. I wouldn't wish this on my enemy. I miss the brother I had for a few months and I know he's not happy. And second, She will force him to pick between us.
So going back to when I said we were having the conversation about how things were going to be and all I got was denial. I could hear on the phone that day he was already gone. We got in a huge fight. I told him all of this was his fault, their fault. Yes, I was probably out of line but I felt it was the truth. Our family was screwed up because of their actions. I was done trying to fix it. He hung up on me. Typical for him. He can't tolerate confrontation or being wrong. So I called him back and left him this message, "I can't do this anymore with you. I can't fix it between you and mom and dad. I can't not talk about what's really happening. I love you and the boys. I hope you have a happy life and wish you the best but I can't be a part of it anymore." I gave him the out that I knew he couldn't do for himself. I know if he would still talk to me his life would be scrutinized by his wife. She'd treat him bad and I'd be to blame. Eventually he'd would have just stopped talking to me.
You may think this wasn't the best solution to our problems but I had to move forward with my life and my family and taking one major issue off of my brother's plate was the best gift I could have given him. I think sometimes if he decides to divorce her 10 years from now when the kids are grown would he call me or me him? I don't know. I don't know what he'd do. If he called and he needed a sister, although I would be pissed at him for not fighting for me, I'd be there. I'd be there because it's the right thing to do. I'd be there because although I couldn't be part of his life I still love him like a brother even though he always treated me like a cousin. I'd be there because even though he's a stupid stupid sh*t, he's my family. His wife can not take away the fact that he is blood related to me. Nothing can change that. As for me...would I or will I contact him? No. Wow I can answer that so fast. When I think about fate, how our lives are supposed to turn out, is it destiny or just whatever the heck we make of it... I think that things didn't turn out so bad. He left me with a great a friend, his mistress. And when I think of her I think of the one time in my life that I truly enjoyed my brother. I think of how happy he was with her. He was free with his emotions with her. He entwined our lives and maybe this was the reason. Maybe subconsciously souls know where they are headed and his knew he and I would be no longer so he left me with the next best thing. Who knows. What I do know is that none of my brother's issues with his wife have anything to do with his childhood and the lack of vacations he felt we had. I certainly hope he didn't spend his time in therapy (2 whole sessions) telling the therapist it's all my parents fault.
When I started this post this I wasn't even thinking about my brother. I was thinking of my girls and if I am doing a good job parenting them. Will they have to spend their lives in therapy because we aren't giving them enough or doing enough or whatever? Are we too hard as parents or are we too easy? Where's the freakin' book that tells you what to do in every situation? How do you know when you are ready for another child or ready to stop having kids? Is money always going to be the issue that dictates our lives and chooses our path for us? Is it wrong to throw caution to the wind and just take the big leap of faith that it will all work out how it is supposed to in the end whether it's good or bad? How do you know you'll stay married forever? I mean you get married to be married forever but as we see divorce happens. People's ideals change during their lives and what if what one person wants is different than the other persons wants and they just stay together but are resentful or they need to leave to attain the things they now feel they need. I only have one divorced friend. It was out of her control. She tried everything but unfortunately everything didn't work. Her partner's ideals changed and she couldn't live the 'married with kids' lifestyle anymore. Some things are just out of our control. We only really know how we think and feel inside. My brother secretly despised his wife for 3 years without telling her. He already had a new checking account, a divorce lawyer, girlfriend, and an apartment before telling his wife. My friend's wife knew for months she was leaving but waited until she felt the baby was old enough that my friend could handle it. Deception is a nasty aspect in relationships. Even when it doesn't happen directly to you, it's hard to not wonder if one day it will happen to you or if it will be you. Don't get me wrong I am not secretly planning on divorcing my husband and I don't think he's planning on leaving me either. We are in a good place in our marriage. Sometimes I just wonder with all the mayhem around us will it one day affect us too? Is it just silly to think that we can escape the odds and choose the right road for success? Would making one bad decision destroy the whole picture or are we strong enough to survive anything? I hope so. I hope that whether or not Dave and I hit a bump in the road or our ideals change that we both can change together or somehow agree to disagree but still love eachother and want to be with eachother. I don't want to think years from now that I really didn't know what I had until it was gone.
Well that being said, my girls having been playing by themselves for quite some time now and have very good even though they both have colds. I need to fix them some lunch and spend some quality time with them because in a blink they'll be grown and I'll wish I had these moments back. That and they are chasing eachother with a shark and a whale and yelling "sperm." Maybe I shouldn't have been so graphic when I told them the difference between the whales was that one was a sperm whale and the other was an orca. Hind sight stinks.
Labels:
life,
my brother,
the girls
Monday, February 2, 2009
Just when you think it's safe to go back into the water
I become a complete mess. I have no idea what happened today but unlike most of my friends- I am not on Prozac... but really should be. Apparently they all got the memo of how to keep your sanity.
Call it pregnancy hormones- oh wait I'm not pregnant, call it the twinkie defense- humm I don't eat Twinkies either, ok so let's just call me crazy- that pretty much sums it up anyway. So today started out like any other Monday, Ava awakened at 5:30 am which meant I was up at 5:30 am. We laid in bed until 6:30 am where I received a professional massage which included such maneuvers like the eye gouge or "look mommy-eye," the slap and tickle (remove your mind from the gutter because it is so not what you are thinking) "look mommy see lovie, I tick you" which means I get whacked in the face with the lovie and she scratches my face with her scary fingernails, and then there's the pee pee fake out. The pee pee fake out is typically the last straw. It's Ava's opportunity to test me to see if I will get out of bed so she can go pee except 'go pee' actually translates into her running down the hallway to wake up Olivia. So today began with an bang. Woo Hoo.
We soon traveled downstairs and ate breakfast and got dressed. I ran a load of laundry and replied to an email while gulping down my coffee. The girls were being so good playing together and flipping through their books that I decided we should get in the car and go to Pump it up. So far so good right? So you'd think. We went and played and had a great time. Ava climbed the slide ladder for the first time and went down the slide all by herself. I was a nervous wreck watching her climb up the steep ladder but she wanted to try and I felt she deserved the opportunity. It worked out and she was proud of herself- all's still good right? Yip. So we went home.
We walked into the house and the girls began playing QUIETLY at their table with some toys. It is the only place in the kitchen they are allowed to play otherwise they have to play in the living room. Probably 30 minutes had passed and I had just finished folding the laundry so I thought to myself that before I take the basket upstairs I'll call Dave really quickly and tell him about how Ava went up and down the slide by herself. The minute I said hello to him they jumped up from the table. Olivia ran right over to the counter and started grabbing things off while singing as loud as possible and Ava headed to her workbench to begin her project which of course meant picking the loudest toy and keeping her finger on the button. WHY ME?
I lost it and scolded them both for acting out while I was on the phone. Every time I am on the phone or it rings the entire aura in the room changes. The girls become whiny and loud. EVERY TIME. I realize they are kids and need a lot of attention, but I had just spent an hour and a half playing with them in the bouncers. Beyond that I am with them every minute of every hour of every freakin day. I read to them, bathe them, brush their hair and teeth, snuggle them, love all over them, and wipe their butts. Can I not have 1 five minute phone call to myself where I don't have to go into the garage and sit in the Suburban? Am I really asking a lot? Apparently they think so.
I hung up with Dave because now the fun and exciting news that I was going to share with him had been smothered by my scolding. I apologized to the girls for overreacting and went up stairs with the laundry. I sat down in my chair and lost it. I felt like my only connection with the outside world had just been snuffed out by the little rulers of what was once my kingdom. It's like I have no say in anything anymore. My thrown has been overturned and the new rulers are greedy little runts. It really is their way or no way. So as I grieved for the loss of my sanity, well-being, and general welfare I came to the resolution that Olivia will be going to preschool and I will be getting some freedom back.
It's hard taking two small kids to places where I need to think things over such as the grocery store. They start fighting about something and then my main goal becomes getting the essentials and just getting out the door. Lately I've just stopped going unless it's the weekend and Dave can stay at home with them. This makes the week seem even longer if we don't get out of the house. And then at home I can't do anything without someone lingering around asking me what I am doing, or trying to get into the bathroom to pull all of the paper off the roll while I am trying to use the bathroom, or screaming when the phone rings, or sticking their fingers in any food I am eating. I even went to the point of buying these really really hot chips so no one would want any but the girls hovered over me and begged for them. They ate them and then drank lots of water and then asked for more. You are kidding me right? Your mouths are on fire yet you both want more...ugg.
Sanity gone- check. New not nice personality emerging-check. All work and no play making mommy lose her mind-check. If I were rich I'd hire a nanny for a few hours a day, a few days of the week. OBVIOUSLY I am not rich and this is in fact my life. I can deal probably not as well as my friends on Prozac who got the memo but I can deal. Most days I am just fine but today things just went bad. Dave cheered me up afterwards by sending me an e-thinking of you- card and telling me everything's fine and that he loved me. I felt better and took the girls outside to play with their friends.
Call it pregnancy hormones- oh wait I'm not pregnant, call it the twinkie defense- humm I don't eat Twinkies either, ok so let's just call me crazy- that pretty much sums it up anyway. So today started out like any other Monday, Ava awakened at 5:30 am which meant I was up at 5:30 am. We laid in bed until 6:30 am where I received a professional massage which included such maneuvers like the eye gouge or "look mommy-eye," the slap and tickle (remove your mind from the gutter because it is so not what you are thinking) "look mommy see lovie, I tick you" which means I get whacked in the face with the lovie and she scratches my face with her scary fingernails, and then there's the pee pee fake out. The pee pee fake out is typically the last straw. It's Ava's opportunity to test me to see if I will get out of bed so she can go pee except 'go pee' actually translates into her running down the hallway to wake up Olivia. So today began with an bang. Woo Hoo.
We soon traveled downstairs and ate breakfast and got dressed. I ran a load of laundry and replied to an email while gulping down my coffee. The girls were being so good playing together and flipping through their books that I decided we should get in the car and go to Pump it up. So far so good right? So you'd think. We went and played and had a great time. Ava climbed the slide ladder for the first time and went down the slide all by herself. I was a nervous wreck watching her climb up the steep ladder but she wanted to try and I felt she deserved the opportunity. It worked out and she was proud of herself- all's still good right? Yip. So we went home.
We walked into the house and the girls began playing QUIETLY at their table with some toys. It is the only place in the kitchen they are allowed to play otherwise they have to play in the living room. Probably 30 minutes had passed and I had just finished folding the laundry so I thought to myself that before I take the basket upstairs I'll call Dave really quickly and tell him about how Ava went up and down the slide by herself. The minute I said hello to him they jumped up from the table. Olivia ran right over to the counter and started grabbing things off while singing as loud as possible and Ava headed to her workbench to begin her project which of course meant picking the loudest toy and keeping her finger on the button. WHY ME?
I lost it and scolded them both for acting out while I was on the phone. Every time I am on the phone or it rings the entire aura in the room changes. The girls become whiny and loud. EVERY TIME. I realize they are kids and need a lot of attention, but I had just spent an hour and a half playing with them in the bouncers. Beyond that I am with them every minute of every hour of every freakin day. I read to them, bathe them, brush their hair and teeth, snuggle them, love all over them, and wipe their butts. Can I not have 1 five minute phone call to myself where I don't have to go into the garage and sit in the Suburban? Am I really asking a lot? Apparently they think so.
I hung up with Dave because now the fun and exciting news that I was going to share with him had been smothered by my scolding. I apologized to the girls for overreacting and went up stairs with the laundry. I sat down in my chair and lost it. I felt like my only connection with the outside world had just been snuffed out by the little rulers of what was once my kingdom. It's like I have no say in anything anymore. My thrown has been overturned and the new rulers are greedy little runts. It really is their way or no way. So as I grieved for the loss of my sanity, well-being, and general welfare I came to the resolution that Olivia will be going to preschool and I will be getting some freedom back.
It's hard taking two small kids to places where I need to think things over such as the grocery store. They start fighting about something and then my main goal becomes getting the essentials and just getting out the door. Lately I've just stopped going unless it's the weekend and Dave can stay at home with them. This makes the week seem even longer if we don't get out of the house. And then at home I can't do anything without someone lingering around asking me what I am doing, or trying to get into the bathroom to pull all of the paper off the roll while I am trying to use the bathroom, or screaming when the phone rings, or sticking their fingers in any food I am eating. I even went to the point of buying these really really hot chips so no one would want any but the girls hovered over me and begged for them. They ate them and then drank lots of water and then asked for more. You are kidding me right? Your mouths are on fire yet you both want more...ugg.
Sanity gone- check. New not nice personality emerging-check. All work and no play making mommy lose her mind-check. If I were rich I'd hire a nanny for a few hours a day, a few days of the week. OBVIOUSLY I am not rich and this is in fact my life. I can deal probably not as well as my friends on Prozac who got the memo but I can deal. Most days I am just fine but today things just went bad. Dave cheered me up afterwards by sending me an e-thinking of you- card and telling me everything's fine and that he loved me. I felt better and took the girls outside to play with their friends.
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